I met my first skeptic today. It almost knocked me off my feet, like the earthquake earlier this morning. But this was something I had asked for. I wanted to be challenged along this journey — I wanted to be tested — I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. Nor did I think it would come from someone close to me. But I’m glad it did.
My typical response to opposition is defense. The moment words of doubt travel through to my eardrums, stubborn walls corner my mind and I’m overcome with the urge to explain myself and justify my decisions as if I need the approval to carry on. Almost always, what was meant to be open dialog turns into a spewing of hateful words fueled by shock in the lack of support and an unreasonable amount of bitterness. Almost always, my response results in crippling conversations that I wish I could take back.
We all probably have words we wish we could take back, but we can’t.
And I love words. I love the passion words can express. But I also need to recognize the power they can hold and stop using them so destructively. I need to learn how to accept opposition — even welcome it — because there will always be more doubters to encounter. Even I used to be one. I used to challenge those around me constantly by putting them down, but now I know I was just doing that out of fear. I was afraid of their personal — and professional — growth while I sat back uncomfortably in my own stagnancy (that I was doing nothing about, by the way). Most of all, I was afraid of being left behind. But it didn’t matter what I said or did, they still went on to being their better selves whether I liked it or not.
So today, I decided it’s okay if there are those who think this whole thing is silly. It’s okay if they think I won’t find what I’m looking for or that I won’t make it past a couple months. And it’s okay if they think that I don’t even need this to begin with. It doesn’t change what I want. I thank them for challenging my determination and steadfastness early on. I thank them for the open conversation we exchanged. And this time, the words remained just as passionate but I don’t want to take any of them back.
Today was a little victory for me; it might not seem like much but change is ever-present.
Also, The Book of Joy arrives today. Hooray!
DAY 4. Love, Ro